I read that the head of Amazon Prime quit due to sexual harassment and other indiscretions and embarrassments. Well, he really should’ve been fired long ago for the atrocities he puts on his channel. I feel like I’ve given Amazon Prime a fair chance. I’ve seen some dire ultra-low budget crap like Jurassic Shark and Swamp Ape. I’ve seen some tacky Animal House era sex comedies that predate Porky’s but surpass it in terms of crassness and shoddiness. I’ve watched some 1950’s era nudist films out of pure curiosity, but dear God nobody should ever watch those. I’ve watched some dull-ass monster movies that I stopped after 10 minutes. All of this leads us to Bog Creatures…
Bog Creatures (2003)
I briefly wondered why there are not more movies with the word “bog” in the title. Then as I sat down to watch Bog Creatures, the reasons just started writing themselves. I will only do one pun and then let it go. Bog Creatures is indicative of the bog standard of movies I watched in the Amazon Prime Dungeon. Just as an example of the poor quality, these grainy, crappy photos are the only ones I could find online for this movie.
We start with a Viking raid where there’s some tepid raping and pillaging, thankfully limited to briefly ripping off village maidens’ blouses. However, one poor wench is captured and sacrificed by Debbie Rochon of Troma movies fame, who is some sort of Evil High Priestess of the Bog People Cult.
Fast forward to the present day where there’s the bog standard University scene (sorry, I did it again, didn’t I?) Some “scientists” explain what the Bog People were. They were poor bastards who fell into a bog and got the juices leeched out of them. Okay, got it. They’re basically medieval mummies. Why exactly are they supposed to be scary?
So five students go on an archeological expedition to find Bog People remains: two skinny blondes and three scrawny guys. And one goofy guide with a bad accent and an even worse mustache. He gets killed off-camera later, but I wanted to dispatch him right away because the less said, the better.
Now what’s the first thing you do when you find a strange castle in the wilderness? Of course you take a shower in a rickety outdoor bath. Then to the filmmaker’s discredit, they show us teasing peeks of the Bog People hiding in the trees. They look like extras with burlap sacks on their heads and some ripped up couch cushions pinned to their smocks.
Then the worst scene of the movie happens: the perviest of the indistinguishable goofs starts sniffing the shower girl’s underwear, and when she surprises him, he shoves it in his mouth and swallows it. This is a really tacky movie. Because what does consuming women’s underwear have to do with the sheer terror of Bog People? I can’t wait for this jackass to die which, sadly, takes an awful long time.
Then for some reason, one of the skinny blondes keeps trying to seduce the scrawny 12 year old-looking dude. She’s the best actress in the movie, so naturally she is captured by the Bog People early on.
We’re at the mid-point of the movie when the Bog People show up, looking like disinterested extras with moss glued to their faces. And they do nothing, because there is nothing scarier than monsters that just stand there and don’t attack you. I’m kidding, of course. The Bog People just walk away. Then a dead Viking dude somehow sneaks up on the pervert who stands around to get choked out. I’m okay with this development.
So there’s good Bog People villagers and evil Bog People Vikings? A Bog Girl tells a long, pointless story that flashes us back to the exact same shots of Viking attacks from the beginning of the movie. I’m so glad we watched those earlier scenes, so that we can see them again. And the Bog Lady talks in a weird language. So that’s a great waste of my time, too.
Somehow I missed it when a scientist and his skinny brunette assistant showed up. They discover that you can take Bog People out with acid. Duh. Throwing acid on monsters always works.
The Bog Vikings slowly chase the archeological students around the castle and in the woods, but they don’t kill too many people because they are slow and ungainly. Then Debbie Rochon shows up again to be the reincarnation of the Evil High Priestess. She has 247 movie credits, and somehow she never learned how to act. She’s horrible. I know she’s going for over-the-top shtick, but when you don’t know how to deliver basic lines like a human being, going over-the-top is like a sharp stick in your ear.
So the Bog Vikings have some horrendous, slow-moving sword fights with our protagonists. The director twice uses the same wussy knife trick where the actor already has a thin trickle of blood on their neck and they turn to the camera and clutch their throats.
Then Debbie Rochon and the other skinny blonde have a laughable knife fight where five actors stand around and watch them duel over the fate of the world. Way to lay it on the line for humanity, jackasses.
That was a truly pathetic denouement, living down to the title of Bog Creatures.
THE BOTTOM LINE:
Bog Creatures is boring and pointless, and it’s not even close to being the worst movie I’ve seen in the Amazon Prime Torture Dungeon. But it is tacky, and shabbily made, and generally unpleasant. So this might be the last Amazon Prime Torture I endure. I’m fleeing back to the relative safety of the Netflix Basement where Steven Seagal is still a star, and where Chinese action comedies and Dolph Lundgren movies seemingly grow on trees.
I can’t say that my time in the Torture Dungeon was fun, at all. I did not watch one movie that was worth anybody’s time. But I survived with my sanity mostly intact. And now all that’s left for me to do is clean out all of the godawful movie suggestions in my Amazon Prime queue.