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James Bond Stage 3: Goldfinger

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Goldfinger is highly touted as the James Bond film that kept the series going. It’s as if, no matter how bad a future Bond film may be, producers can point to Goldfinger and say, “Well, maybe we’ll get the next one as perfectly as we did with the Goldfinger sequel.”

With Sean Connery in the role of James Bond once again, Goldfinger has everything that a secret agent action movie is supposed to have: beautiful women; death-defying car chases; a fat, evil villain that will kill friend or foe to get what he wants; ridiculous gadgetry; the apparent mass murder of an entire army; a Korean wrestler.

However, what really helps Goldfinger feature the 007 franchise, at least in the United States, is featuring a well-known landmark in the country: fort Knox. By using Fort Knox (and, less usefully, the Kentucky Derby), James Bond has a link to the American public that he didn’t have before. He’s saving something of ours, and that makes him that much more loved.

Goldfinger also introduced the toy Aston Martin DB5, which was gobbled up by both children and man-children alike. The film even won an Academy Award. Granted, it was for Best Sound Effects Editing, aka Who Cares, but it was an award nonetheless, the first for the 007 franchise.

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Master Evil Plan:

Detonate a nuclear bomb in the vaults of Fort Knox, making all of the gold deposited there valueless, which will cripple the Western economy, multiply Goldfinger’s gold value tenfold, and increase the value of Bitcoin.

Randomly Awesome 007 Moments:

1) Seeing a pool on one side of the hallway of a Miami Beach hotel and an ice skating rink on the other.

goldfinger_goldgirl2) Jill Masterson killed by being covered in gold paint which caused skin suffocation, which Myth Busters found an inconclusive way to die.

3) Goldfinger exports gold by building entire Rolls Royce automobiles out of gold.

4) Tilly Masterson has a bout of road-rage because Bond doesn’t let her pass… after she had already shot at him. Women…

5) Bond’s Aston Martin finally uses all of its upgrades, like a tracking system, oil slick, rear guards, headlight gun turrets, and yes, the ejector seat. The car even crashes through a brick wall. That’s British engineering for you.

6) The gate-keeper of Auric Industries is a little old lady…with a sub-machine gun. She slightly resembles Goldfinger himself. Maybe she’s his sister.

7) Goldfinger sets the standard for evil masterminds by strapping Bond to a table with a laser-beam aimed at it.

8) Judo foreplay.

9) Goldfinger has a gold-plated gun. Pimping at its finest.

Randomly Horrible 007 Moments:

1) Bond floats to shore with a dead seagull on his head as a disguise. Fake, my ass.

2) Oddjob cuts the head off of a statue by throwing a hat. Really. A hat.

3) $1 million in gold bullion stacked in the trunk of a car, and it doesn’t fish-tail at all? not even a sag in the suspension? I call B.S.

Randomly Awesome Quotes:

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Pussy Galore

1) James Bond: “Auric Goldfinger. Sounds like a French nail varnish.”

2) James Bond: “Do you expect me to talk?”

Auric Goldfinger: “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!”

3) James Bond: “15 billion dollars in gold bullion weighs 10,500 tons. Sixty men would take twelve days to load it onto 200 trucks. Now, at the most, you’re going to have two hours before the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines move in and make you put it back.”

4) Oddjob: “Aha!”

Stats:

-Women James Bond sleeps with: 3 (most likely the South American dancer, Jill Masterson, Pussy Galore)

-Bond Kills: 8

-Bond friends killed: 2 (Jill Masterson, Tilly Masterson. And Tilly is killed before Bond even has a chance to sleep with her. Pity.)

-Bond assassination attempts:

1 pipe to the head attempt in a hotel in South America

1 laser-beam slicing

1 date handcuffed to a nuclear bomb

Grade:

I give this film 4 out of 5 Bonds. It’s what Bond was meant to be: serious fun with more sexual innuendo than a trip to a sex toy shop.

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Patrick began collecting a library of VHS tapes, DVDs, and CDs when he was young, and continues to build a library that could easily double as a video store and/or a revitalized Tower Records.

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